Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
