I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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