fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
