hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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