My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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