I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
