Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
