I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
