I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
and you fell through a lawn chair
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
