My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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