you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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