Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
