i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
