I wish I only lived at night.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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