smell my finger.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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