is your mom at the bar?
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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