you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
