Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
