Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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