If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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