I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
where are my eyebrows?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
