if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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