I was born with a shot glass in my hand
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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