Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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