the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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