Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
