Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
