watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize