R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
