TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
