Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
