i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
