I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
