dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
