So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
