I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
