that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
