shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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