Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
