I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
