my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
