This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
