I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
