The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
