My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize