My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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