I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
