im six kinds of drunk right now
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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