The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
