walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You have to summon your inner elephant
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
