If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Less talking, more tequila
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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