Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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