Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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