New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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