Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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