remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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