i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
