my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize