so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
