How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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