just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
