My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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