First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
