I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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