She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize