She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Are my feet made of real feet?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
