i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
